STOP staring at my head. If you don't, I’ll lethargically flop a flabby, arthritic hand in the direction of your windpipe. What the fake news media have maliciously suggested is a wig is actually a furry little creature who I have vowed to protect from the world’s many evils, keeping him close at all times. Sometimes he even talks to me – whispering assurances that I am still Steven Seagal. Still the greatest martial artist. Still the greatest actor. Still not bald.

Instead, avert your gaze down two-and-a-half inches – like many lucky ladies in my glory years – and take in the wonder of my eyes. Wolf eyes. Although I’m a Russian citizen now, my American family tree tells the story of a Native Cherokee ancestor who tripped and fell awkwardly on a pack of wolves – accidentally impregnating one of them.

Being part wolf, my senses are so attuned to nature that I can take one sniff at a pile of s**t and tell you how many s**ts the animal has left to do before it passes onto the spirit world. The only death I cannot predict is my own – for I believe defecation shows weakness. So I proudly remain full of s**t. When fans comment that I fight like I’m underwater these days, they’d be wise to remember that my body has expanded to accommodate 67 years worth of s**t. And as an expert on s**t, let me tell you about the biggest pile of s**t I’ve ever come across in a lifetime working on piles of s**t – the new Rambo movie, out next week. A conclusive pile of s**t I can confidently confirm will be the death of Stallone’s career. 

Bloody poetry

Now that Rambo: Last Blood is nearing release, my Botox buddy Vlad has called upon my diplomatic services as his official peace envoy to the US. My mission is to reach out to my old nemesis Stallone and request he atones for his numerous crimes against Russia by cancelling the release of his new movie. For many valid reasons you are about to learn, the President is not amused about the John Rambo character’s resurrection. But first, let me explain why I’m not very happy either.

In 2017, you may have heard about an epically philosophical and poetically spiritual novel called “The Way of the Shadow Wolves: The Deep State and the Hijacking of America”. It was written by an author called Steven Seagal and in case you were wondering, we are one and the same. Yes, I writed a book.

The Herald:

In it, the hero John Nan Tan Gode is a mystical ponytailed martial artist from Michigan who inexplicably believes himself to be of Native American heritage. He’s an ex-Marine cop on the Mexico beat who talks like a “philosopher poet” in a “fierce whisper”. Not only is John Nan Tan Gode the greatest lawman and most deadly martial artist in Mexico, but his belief that he is Native American also means he has access to the spirit world and possesses mysterious powers normal men can’t comprehend.

Now, when I was first made aware Stallone was making a new Rambo movie, I thought the decrepit old ruin had finally lost his decaying mind. Then, hearing it was set in Mexico, I realised: the old painted lady has read my book and stolen the story! But watching the piece of s**t trailer, it seems he’s left all the best bits out. Like when I, sorry, Gode is passionately kissed by a wolf. And the part where he shoots his grandfather’s ghost. Stallone also ignores the book’s great twist, when Gode discovers there are far greater evils in Mexico than drug cartels – a huge group of Islamic fundamentalist terrorists!

In the novel, these jihadists inexplicably travel via Mexico to New York for another terrorist attack – but Gode can’t alert the US authorities for one simple reason: the CIA and former President Obama are actually in collusion with the terrorists! I write in the epilogue that the truth comes in many forms and, yes, it certainly does Steven. Thank you Steven. No problem Steven.

Rocky road to freedom

Vladimir shares my passion for truth – especially perceptions of it he can distort and bend to his will. Now that I’m living in Russia, however, I can truly understand why Ivan Drago’s humiliating defeat on home turf in Rocky 4 eternally scarred this great country’s soul. Following the global success of Stallone’s crazed propagandist fantasy, it’s surely not difficult to understand why my friend Vladimir and his fellow countrymen now instinctively doubt any so-called ‘truth’ that comes out of America’s mouth.

Stallone’s sick lie that Russian athletes are boosted by drugs is certainly an outrage, but it was how Balboa convinced the Russian crowd to reject Communism that caused Vladmir to swear vengeance on Stallone and the USA – for this started a chain reaction which ultimately led to the fall of the Berlin Wall and collapse of the Soviet Union. Without doubt, Stallone showed the proletariat other avenues of thought were available.

To add insult to injury, the following year’s Rambo 3 found Stallone indiscriminately massacring countless Soviet soldiers – a shameless act of Hollywood reality distortion which made  Russia look so weak and ineffectual that it could not defeat just one single psychologically damaged veteran whose side lost the only war he ever fought in! And they still wonder why Putin hates the West.

You’ll also remember that’s the movie where Rambo fought alongside the Mujahideen in Afghanistan – the group that morphed into the Taliban. Who later granted Al-Qaeda sanctuary while they plotted 9/11. So, it could be argued, not only is Stallone directly responsible for Russia’s enduring distrust of the West, but is also solely to blame for all present genocidal dystopia in the Middle East.

Nations of Islam

THE “Stallone Effect”, as it is called in Russia, has caused such tsunamic turbulence in global realpolitik that Vladimir has even been forced to invent the phrase “traditional Islam” to protect Russian Muslims from harmful outside influence like Al-Qaeda or Isis.

For some reason, this has confused Russia’s 10 million Muslims – who don’t understand why Vladimir has deemed the hijab “not part of traditional Islam”.

They probably don’t understand why a court in the Russian city of Samara banned a non-Russian translation of the Quran and blacklisted it as extremist either. It was simply to protect them.

Vladimir knows people are easily influenced – and simply doesn’t want Russian Muslims succumbing to radicalisation by all those sinister “non-traditional” Muslims outside Russia. Although the new “traditional Muslim” terminology effectively means any Islamic idea, book or organisation from outside Russia can be banned, it certainly doesn’t mean Putin is going down the Chinese route of rounding everyone up and “re-educating” them!

Not yet anyway.

And to show traditional Russian Muslims how twisted fellow believers in Allah can be outside Russia’s border, Vladimir humbly requests Stallone makes amends for repeatedly using Russia as a bogeyman for US cinema audiences by cancelling Rambo: Last Blood – and re-filming it entirely. It won’t be so different. In the new Putin cut, the Mexico setting of “Shadow Wolves: The Deep State and the Hijacking of America” will remain – but so will the book’s entire plot.

Muslim terrorists will now be the enemy, and not drug dealers. Russian Muslim moviegoers will see how Muslims who step out of line outside our borders get a severe asskicking for any anti-imperialist mischief. 

And after all, the Mexican cartel are simply businessmen – let’s not forget America’s own elite families all gained their power off the back of illicit trading in alcohol, tobacco and slaves. But Vladimir, now the world’s richest man, just did it simply by selling off all his country’s oil and gas reserves to his friends. Steal a little and they throw you in jail, steal a lot and they make you a king. Or a President.

And finally ...

VLADIMIR also requests that Stallone steps aside in the John Rambo role – and that I am cast as the psychologically tormented yet physically magnificent Vietnam veteran. And why not? Although I now resemble a freakishly bloated, beetroot-faced self-abuser who straggles behind one of Glasgow town’s world-famous marches, I was once majestically, enviably beautiful.

As a wandering vigilante Out For Justice, I was Hard to Kill, Out For A Kill and Driven to Kill with a Contract to Kill. With my Kill Switch, I told bad guys Today You Die with a Straight Gutshot as their corpses piled up On Deadly Ground because they were Marked For Death in a world Under Siege. I was A Dangerous Man. That’s why Vladimir and I are such good friends – we’re both pretendy martial artists who seem to be Above The Law.

People are suspicious of Vladimir, but he simply understands outside ideas can be dangerous – such as Rambo fighting against Russians alongside the embryonic Taliban. In that movie, he inspires Russia’s enemies with his maverick warrior ways. He shows these oppressed Muslims that the bigger their enemy comes, the harder it can fall. That the spirit and leadership of one man alone can bring an entire country to its knees.

Perhaps, somewhere, Osama bin Laden was watching.

  • Still want more Seagal? Satisfy your cravings by glancing through the picture carousel at the top of this article.

Follow Bill on twitter @futureshockbb