DINING OUT WITH THE RUDE

My meeting with the rudest man ever, as he was dubbed after a TV appearance, began innocently enough. Looking for somewhere new to eat for five of us – and with a freshly-minted Dine discount card – the choice was the Weston Tavern in Kilmaurs in Ayrshire, which had just won some food award and had rave reviews about its quality, and the promise of 25 per cent off seemed perfect for this skinflint. It’s a small place, under relatively new ownership, transformed from a bit of dump. It was Tuesday and the added appeal was that steaks were 40 per cent below normal price so, what with the card and the price slash, it was almost as if they were paying us to eat there.

All went well, the food was excellent, until the bill came and the Dine card was proffered – and refused. I asked to see the manager. Enter, you’ve guessed it, the aforementioned rude legend. He is John Cairns, the proprietor, who earned his moniker on the show First Dates last year, after 10 minutes in saying to his blind date he didn’t fancy him and told him to leave before the main course was served. John, who is a beefy chap, then continued to eat his meal alone, the cameras recording him finishing his steak, probably because it wasn’t 40 per cent off and he wasn’t going to waste his cash – and obviously didn’t have a Dine membership.

Back at the Weston, John was adamant that the card wouldn’t pass and went off to return shortly after with 10 printed pages about why this was the case. The judgment of Solomon was shorter. It was a bit of a let-down. But what was the biggest disappointment of the evening was that John was not in the slightest bit rude.

A MYSTERIOUS DEATH AND THE OWL THEORY

If you haven’t seen the true life crime documentary The Staircase on Netflix you really should. It focuses on the case of successful novelist Michael Peterson who was convicted in 2003 of murdering his wife Kathleen by attacking her with a poker-like implement, causing her to fall down the stairs where she died, allegedly after a few more blows. The cameras were given total access and it’s a captivating series in which not only Peterson stars, but his brilliant defence attorney David Rudolf takes centre stage.

The crime happened in Durham, North Carolina, and it’s as much a portrait of the place as an anatomy of a murder. Or was it? You may conclude that while Peterson isn’t the most engaging character, the evidence against him is not totally convincing. Well, lawyer Rudolf is coming to Glasgow in October, to the O2 Arena, with his show Inside The Staircase: Lies, Fake Science and the Owl Theory. With every famous crime or tragedy comes a conspiracy theory and this one is that a giant owl somehow got into the couple’s lavish house, or attacked Kathleen in the garden, the end result being her fall to her death. Reputable “experts” have testified that a small feather found in her hair (and not tested) could have been an owl’s and that wounds on her head looked like they came from three-taloned feet rather than a blunt instrument. Rudolph is convinced. I’ll make my judgment after the show.

THE EAGLE HAS LANDED

A demo of two songs from my old pal Jim Wilkie arrives in the post, the second one, The Great Gillie, a wonderful tribute to the late Alan Gilzean, arguably the greatest-ever Scottish centre forward. Gillie, who died last month, scored 169 goals in 190 games for Dundee and in the 1961-62 season, when the Dee won the league championship, knocked in 27, including four against Rangers at Ibrox. Jim’s tribute to him would bring a tear to a glass eye, and not just a Dee one. He manages to bring in Paul Simon, Joe DiMaggio and Marilyn Monroe too. And “Alan Gilzean and Jimmy Greaves and the kind of magic Michael Marra weaves”, a reference to when Gillie was “King of White Hart Lane”. The hook, “There we were Gay Gordon [Smith] dancing on the wing, and everyone could tell a different story, of the great Gillie, rising like an eagle, while we the crowd, stood watching from the ground”. It’s true too.

JINGS! CRIVVENS! AND HELP MA FAT BOB!

I can quash the rumour that DC Thomson is to sponsor the bucket Leeds United manager Marcelo Bielsa sits on at home games. As far as I know he has never read an Oor Wullie strip. I’m not sure, either, if he has read the works of his translator, Salim Lamrani, the most over-qualified man in the English Championship. Lamrani is a PhD, prolific author, a former academic, a left-winger with specialisation in relations between Cuba and the USA. He’s multilingual and good looking too, the swine. My former colleague Andy Whitaker is a big Leeds fan and he’s now John McDonnell’s spin doctor. Well, one out of two out ain’t bad.

AIR ON A MISSING G STRING

Finland is currently celebrating its 100th anniversary of independence so, as a comparatively recent county, we can perhaps forgive them for holding the World Air Guitar Championships. But then again, no! This ridiculous event – which crowds turn up and pay money to see – kicks off on Wednesday in Oulu. The defending champion is Matt "Aristotle’ Burns from the US, a skinny geek who looks as if donning a real guitar would break his neck. Or you can watch a previous champ, Justin ‘Nordic Thunder’ Howard, go through his act. He, apparently, has had two surgeries after suffering air guitar injuries. Whiplash from repetitive hair twirling? Backlash from the bursting of imaginary strings? Honestly, the things I have to suffer, dear reader, just so you won’t have to.

BUM NOTE

Still on music, circa 1979, I gave a bit of advice to young Rory: “Stick to the day job son. This band thing will never work.” It did take almost 40 years for my prediction about Runrig to come to pass. But hopefully Mr Macdonald will get back to a proper job now.