LEGENDARY racing driver Jackie Stewart is even more legendary for his ability to attract sponsorship. This comes in handy when you are trying to run a Formula One grand prix racing team but makes for very long speeches as Mr Stewart has to give a mention to Walker's shortbread, Tunnock's teacakes, Rolex, such and such an airline, this or that hotel.

Observers of the racing world were intrigued but not surprised when it was announced last week that Jackie's latest grandson had been named Lucas, same as the brand famous for batteries and sundry other automotive parts. When questioned about the name, Jackie confessed that he had been as surprised as anyone at the choice of name, especially since no attempt had been made beforehand to secure a sponsorship for the bairn from the company.

Soldiering on

STAFF at Glasgow's museums and art galleries, understandably miffed that continuing profligacy and excess goes side by side with savage jobs cuts, have taken to calling their boss Julian Spalding names.

Fittingly for a man who is no stranger to cultural revolutions, Julian is now known to his troops as Deng Xpalding. (Deng, they point out, is pronounced ''Dung''.) Unfortunately for the museum dissidents, due to continued support from such Glasgow warlords as Mao Tse-lally, Deng Xpalding's demise is not imminent.

For the record

PASTOR Jack Glass, leader of the Sovereign Grace Evangelical Baptists Zion Church (Calvinistic and Separatist) of Glasgow, is in the wars again. This time it is with our very own organ. Pastor Jack is upset that The Herald advertising department chiefs saw fit to edit a recent notice for a service at the Sovereign Etc Zion Church. In a letter to Pastor Jack, the Diary's advertising colleagues explained: ''It was felt that the church notice was making an unsubstantiated statement of fact which could possibly have caused upset and annoyance within the church-going communities.''

The wee pastor felt this was a touch unfair given that similar adverts were making such claims as ''souls are saved, folks are healed, and demons are cast out''. Since the Diary has an extremely soft spot for Pastor Jack, here is the bit that was exorcised from his ad: ''The entire membership and the many visitors are testifying to the fact that God has especially anointed this ministry.''

There you go, Jack. No charge, but remember the Diary in your prayers.

Words of wisdom

A HANDY pocket-sized tome, Haud Yer Wheesht! Your Scottish Granny's Favourite Sayings, hits the bookshops soon and offers gems of wisdom to see us through these difficult modern times.

You cannot go wrong with such advice as: Pit a fastin' spittle on yer pimples. This is translated as: ''Put saliva on your spots before you eat breakfast.''

The following other health hints are self-explanatory, the latter especially in these BSE and E-coli stricken days: ''Clean yer wallies thrice and they stay in twice as lang'' and ''Muckle coo meat; mony maladies.''

The compiler of Wheesht!, Mr Allan Morrison, tells us that Scots grannies often say ''Dinna pour water on a drowned mouse'' when they were trying to express the concept ''Don't undertake unnecessary actions''.

We are told and would not argue with: ''Sodgers wi' big guns beat sodgers wi' pretty dresses.''

There is one saying which almost encapsulates the Diary's philosophy of life: ''Act daft and get a free hurl.''

Fly the flag

A JOURNALIST colleague on to directory numbers for the number of the Lord Lyon, King of Arms, was asked: ''Could you tell me what town that pub is in?''

The real answer

THE Internet is a dead useful place where age-old questions can be addressed, such as: why did the chicken cross the road? A current debate has produced such answers as:

Thomas de Torquemada: give me 10 minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

Darwin: it was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

Emily Dickinson: because it could not stop for death.

Ernest Hemingway: to die. In the rain.

Sadam Hussein: this was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Ronald Reagan: I forget.

But we suspect the whole issue was raised by someone from Andersen Consulting, the firm that consults a lot for a lot of money. For, tacked on at the end of the list is an explanation from an Andersen consultant as to why the chicken crossed the road: ''Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market.

''Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes.''

Bowled over

ALBA bookshop in Glasgow specialises in seditious publications but also sells Scottish merchandise to pay the rates. One of their lines is a car sticker bearing the word Alba. They were delighted when an expatriate Scot on holiday from California saw the above item in the shop window and came in to buy two dozen. For his Scottish friends back home? No, he was an active member of the American Line Bowling Alley club.