GOING to the World Cup? No? Me neither. The following wee report on
those who are winging their way to Italia 90 is not sour grapes,
honestly, but just for information.
The Scottish Football League is laying on a return flight for more
than 70 people. There are two invitations to each member club; it is up
to the individual club whether to send a director, manager, coach,
groundsman, tea lady or someone else who has done much to promote
football.
It is believed that many more directors than managers (and definitely
no tea ladies) will be boarding the League plane for the two-week trip
to the World Cup.
The Scottish Football Association appears to be pretty restrained in
the number of non-playing personnel it is taking to Italy. In addition
to the 22 players and 10 ''technical staff'', and secretary Jim Farry,
the party will include:
* Three office-bearers (president and two vice-presidents).
* Five members of the international committee. At least they won't be
picking the team, will they?
* Two ''nominated members of council''.
Finally, and most laudably, the SFA is taking along six players from
the Scottish youth team -- none of them, unfortunately, registered to
play.
Share values
FOOTBALL economics, part two: Wallace Mercer, chairman of Hearts, had
dinner on Sunday with two Hibernian counterparts to discuss the ongoing
rescue package. The bill came to #340. Or about the price of 2000 Hibs
shares.
Don't call us
SCOTTISH Television's job advertisement for a production assistant to
work on various Gaelic programmes has occasioned the odd smile and look
of puzzlement from media Gaels.
What Scottish TV was trying to say at the end of the Gaelic
advertisement was that it would only contact applicants it wished to
interview. What the advert actually said, according to various Gaelic
sources, was that Scottish would only contact people ''that they would
be thinking to see to speak to'' which is less than elegant in any
language. Another, freer translation, was that the company would only
contact ''those people they were interested in'' -- which is more
elegant but pretty callous.
But there is hope. Alastair Moffat, the new director of programmes,
has been devoting part of his precious time to a course in Gaelic.
Camera Ha! As we say in the Diary.
Fawlty info
NOT for the first time, and probably not for the last, the Diary has
been taken in. We reported last week that the department of management
studies at Glasgow University was seeking to appoint a reader in hotel
studies to conduct research into such topics as ''minimising towel
theft'' and ''portion control in hotel breakfasts''.
This came as news to David Boddy, head of the department, who was able
to point out that the said advertisement was part of a spoof column in a
leading educational publication. Mr Boddy has been very nice about our
besmirching the reputation of his fine centre of educational excellence.
Professor Peter Walsh of the Yooni's department of classics has taken
this opportunity to scourge the Diary:
Dear Mr Shields,
The scales have fallen from eyes. As a fervent admirer I mourn that in
today's Diary (May 29) you expose yourself as a religious renegade and a
credulous creature, if you will pardon the alliteration.
That mild academic joke about the university readership in management
studies was perpetrated by Laurie Taylor, weekly columnist in the Times
Higher Education Supplement. I admire the standard of his output almost
as much as I do yours.
I fear that Proverbs 6, 12 says it all, and in the language you best
understand: ''Homo apostata vir inutilis, graditur ore perverso . . . et
omni tempore iurgia seminat.'' Which means, roughly: ''The renegade is a
useless man; he perceives with a perverse tongue; and all the time he
sows dispute.''
Or, to put it another way: Scuta, you're a Didymus.
Standing joke
PEOPLE like giving their cars pet names. (Readers may remember the
Renault 5 question: What's yours called? And the embarrassing answer:
Rusty.)
The East Germans have a generic name for their Wartburgs, the GDR
version of the Lada. Wartburgs are called Luther, after the Protestant
reformer's statement: ''Here I stand. I can do no other . . .''
Brain teaser
THE Nae Luck award is won this week by the Food Digest section of the
Reader's Digest magazine. It has chosen (obviously before bovine
spongifarm whatsit became a really hot issue) the theme of Midsummer
Madness for its next issue.
Zooming in on a pan
MOST unusual camera shot of Channel 4's coverage of Glasgow's Big Day
rock music event was surely that taken from a helicopter about 5.30pm.
It started as a view from on high of an ant-like queue of people.
Obviously intrigued, the cameraperson zoomed closer and closer to what,
it suddenly became apparent, was a snakelike line of gents entering and
leaving the toilets.
Unfortunately the band was not playing that old rock classic, A Whole
Lotta Shakin' Goin' On.
Sporting gesture
THE merger of Hutchesons' and Old Aloysians rugby clubs, across
Glasgow's now not so great religious divide, was approved by Hutchie
members last week by a resounding 57 votes to eight. But, thankfully,
the jokes based on the old rivalries remain.
A Hutchie chap asked the meeting for an assurance that their
traditional red jersey would remain the club strip. But he thought it
would be a nice gesture if the jerseys had roman numerals.
ScotRail's slow
motion replay
GRAMPIAN Television's summariser at shinty's Glenmorangie Camanachd
Cup final, Iain Cameron, was called into vocal action before the
start of the game on Saturday. Cameron, a senior official of ScotRail,
was travelling on the new Sprinter train from Glasgow to the final at
Fort William on the scenic West Highland line, a journey which was not
without incident.
On four occasions the train juddered to an unexpected stop as
passengers visiting the smallest room spotted a red handle inviting a
downward pull and flushed the emergency brake.
With an admirable sense of propriety, Cameron cleared his throat and
advised passengers in need that they should use the brown and not the
red handle. The journey was completed a few minutes late and he went on
to give his equally expert analysis of Skye's historic 4-1 win over
Newtonmore.
Place-name trail
A BRIEF trip today along the Scottish place-name trail: We asked how
did Glendaruel? Badenoch for her to be Moidart, says Mr J. Taylor of
Helensburgh. A full and final report later this week, we promise, on the
questions and answers raised by Scotland towns and villages.
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