The UK Government has cut the national debt at a stroke.
It's thanks to quantitative easing. Also known as Senokot for sterling.
How did the Treasury treat this financial constipation? The Bank of England used newly-printed cash to buy up loads of government debt in the market as a means of boosting the economy. The Government pays interest on its debt. So there's £30bn worth of interest resting in an account at the bank HQ in Threadneedle Street.
But the Government actually owns this earned interest. Now Chancellor George Osborne is taking it back. (Not personally, as far as we know.) He can thereby claim the Coalition is £11bn a year closer to meeting its targets for cutting public borrowing. Just by transferring back the Government's own interest on its own Bank of England money used to buy its own debt.
Sounds crazy but it's all approved by the Monopoly commission. The cash has already been handed over. Mostly in orange-coloured £500 notes. But also beige £100s, yellow tenners, and pink fivers.
A source at the Treasury said: "It's been a get out of jail free card for the Chancellor. He wanted to raise even more cash by selling off the utility companies along with Fenchurch Street station and the other railway properties. But we had to explain that Mrs Thatcher already did that in the 1980s."
There are plans to raid the Community Chest. A new card will read: "It's the Chancellor's birthday, all taxpayers hand over £1000."
Pall Mall and Whitehall are going on the buy-to-let market. Planning regulations will be changed to allow the building of houses on top of hotels. The jail has been privatised. Another Olympics is being held next year down the Old Kent Road as a fillip to the economy.
The Treasury asked Chancellor Osborne to change his Monopoly board token to a racing car to symbolise a fast-response fiscal policy. But he prefers to stick with the top hat.
In other news on public spending, the Royal Navy is to be supplied with a new version of Battleship. The Department of Work and Pensions is to base its tougher benefits system on Snakes and Ladders. But with no ladders.
The Treasury source added: "It's even worse over in the eurozone. It's Kerplunk and they're waiting for the last straw."
Why are you making commenting on The Herald only available to subscribers?
It should have been a safe space for informed debate, somewhere for readers to discuss issues around the biggest stories of the day, but all too often the below the line comments on most websites have become bogged down by off-topic discussions and abuse.
heraldscotland.com is tackling this problem by allowing only subscribers to comment.
We are doing this to improve the experience for our loyal readers and we believe it will reduce the ability of trolls and troublemakers, who occasionally find their way onto our site, to abuse our journalists and readers. We also hope it will help the comments section fulfil its promise as a part of Scotland's conversation with itself.
We are lucky at The Herald. We are read by an informed, educated readership who can add their knowledge and insights to our stories.
That is invaluable.
We are making the subscriber-only change to support our valued readers, who tell us they don't want the site cluttered up with irrelevant comments, untruths and abuse.
In the past, the journalist’s job was to collect and distribute information to the audience. Technology means that readers can shape a discussion. We look forward to hearing from you on heraldscotland.com
Comments & Moderation
Readers’ comments: You are personally liable for the content of any comments you upload to this website, so please act responsibly. We do not pre-moderate or monitor readers’ comments appearing on our websites, but we do post-moderate in response to complaints we receive or otherwise when a potential problem comes to our attention. You can make a complaint by using the ‘report this post’ link . We may then apply our discretion under the user terms to amend or delete comments.
Post moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours.
Read the rules hereComments are closed on this article