ADRIAN Waddell in Falkirk was behind an elderly couple slowly leaving a supermarket when the wife noticed 16-roll packs of Andrex on special offer. Says Adrian: "The wife was keen to go back and pick up the bargain, but as their hands were already loaded with bags her husband said if they bought them they would need to get a taxi home so there would be no saving. He then added the clinching argument, 'Anyway, I'll be deid by the time I've pooed that much'." And he may not have used the word poo.

WE mentioned the sad death of former Daily Record chief reporter, and good friend of The Diary, Gordon Airs. Gordon led a very full life which was reflected in his Death notice in The Herald yesterday which noted he was the loving father of Kevin and Kirstin then added: "husband to wives and partners too numerous to mention." Way to go Gordon.

ROB Delaney, the American actor on the very rude, but very funny, comedy series Catastrophe, will be doing stand-up in Edinburgh this summer as part of a British tour. His promoter points out that Rob has over one million followers on the social network site Twitter. That's quite a total. They are attracted by his wry observations such as: "Ok so turns out the huge tumor on my ass was just a wadded-up sock that was in my jeans when I picked em up off the floor and put them on."

TALKING of Twitter, Scots presenter Muriel Gray was down south yesterday and told her followers: "London cabbie just called me 'you Jocks'. He's going to love me in ten minutes when I pay him with this" and she took a picture of the Scottish £20 she was holding.

SOME bands have pretty obscure names, but as Mike Ritchie tells us: "Brothers Sam, Abe and James Wilson from Charlottesville, Virginia, appear at Stereo in Glasgow this week as founder members of the five-piece band 'Sons of Bill'. When they played the same venue a couple of years back, they explained their dad's name is Bill, so picking the name of the band made sense."

SAYS Jim Morrison: "The article about passengers on the Stornoway ferry reminded me of a very bad crossing l was on. Having been informed of bad weather approaching, the stewards had dampened all the table linen to stop the crockery from sliding about. I was sitting at breakfast opposite a chap who had just had a plate of bacon, eggs, black pudding and tomato put down in front of him.The ship took a mighty roll, the chap's plate stayed where it was because of the damp cloth, but the entire contents landed on his unfortunate lap much to my astonishment."

FANS of football club Bradford City, on a great run in the FA Cup, are annoyed that the BBC has never picked any of their cup games to show live on the telly, despite them disposing of two premiership sides, including Chelsea. As writer David Schneider yesterday urged the club: "Make sure your FA Cup games get shown on the BBC by renaming yourself Nigel Farage FC."

A CHAP in a Glasgow pub the other night mused: "Have you ever walked into a room and thought, 'What am I doing here?'

"That's why I'm no longer a firefighter."