WE asked for your election stories, and Lib Dem Mike Sole explains: "Many years ago I was canvassing and the door was opened by an elderly lady who said. 'Come in, come in, we've been expecting you.' I followed her in as she led me to where her husband was waiting by the stairs. 'There you are,' he said, opening a door.
"As I peered in he looked on, expecting me to read the gas meter before leaving."
Any more tales?
SO the politicians are getting busy with their canvassing. A Stuart Lee wrote on social media: "Nearly ran over Nicola Sturgeon today. Wait for the green man chief."
Nicola still had time in her schedule to reply: "Sorry boss!"
A GLASGOW reader was shopping in a cheap and cheerful clothes store when she saw the woman beside her trying on a few coats but being unhappy with the length of the sleeves. After shaking off her third coat she turned to the elderly woman with her and said: "All these coat sleeves are too short. Are you sure you didn't swing me around by the arms as a wean?"
OUR tale of fortune tellers reminds John Hale: "In the early sixties my wife persuaded me to visit Gypsy Lee, and little did I know the profound effect it would have on the rest of my life. I now believe in fortune tellers because of what she told me. She said I would never be rich. Guess what?"
WE normally eschew April Fool stories but we did like the discount voucher site Groupon offering a learning course on "How to Bark At Your Dog." The deal explained: "This six-week course will help you truly understand what your dog is saying and enable you to converse back, using a series of specially formulated dog barks. During the course, you'll learn how to communicate on a deeper level by barking simple phrases such as: 'Stop looking at me like that, this is my dinner, not yours', 'I promise you, fireworks will not kill you' and 'Fart again and I'll put you outside'."
Much as we wanted it to be true, the real hint that it was April the First was the customer testimonial stating: "I was sceptical at first but after three weeks I was barking like mad with my dogs."
READER John Cochrane tells us: "A letter from my doctor asked me to attend to have a blood test. It had the instruction that I had to fast for 12 hours prior to the visit. An unfortunate misprint has put me off baked beans for life."
THOSE of you with satellite television will know the satirical American news programme The Daily Show, hosted by Jon Stewart who has announced he is leaving. It has now been confirmed that black South African stand-up Trevor Noah will be taking over. Trevor once described United Kingdom immigration as the most stressful border control he has gone through, and where, when he said he was a comedian, the official replied: "You don't look funny."
Said Trevor: "When I asked why they didn't believe me I was told, 'We can't just believe everybody that comes into the UK. We can't just believe that you're gonna do what you say you're here to do - you might do something totally different'. I thought,'Fair enough, that makes sense.' I just wish, as Africans, we'd thought of that when the British arrived, that would have served us well."
OUR mention of call centres and difficulties with passwords reminds a reader: "I worked in such a place for a short time, and had a call from a customer complaining that one of my colleagues would not deal with him as he could not give his password. The gent was irate because he had no password. On looking at the password box on his account it had the word 'none' in it."
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