Let me be clear.
"Gosh, look at that little bitch shake her booty" is not the sort of comment I usually make while watching television. But when you're watching Crufts, a whole new vocabulary suddenly becomes necessary.
We become instant experts on the gait of the Dandie Dinmont. We pass judgement on the quality of the bouffant of Standard Poodles. And, of course, it is entirely appropriate to use the words "stud" and "bitch" without irony (though never yet without a snigger).
The climax to this year's Crufts did not disappoint. Not only did we get a worthy Best in Show in the shape of Knopa the Russian-bred Scottish Terrier - whose precision cut beard is now the envy of many a hipster in Glasgow - but there was even a dramatic last-minute pitch invasion from a well-dressed "Mutts against Crufts" protester, who was eventually carried from the arena by four burly security men as the anorak-clad audience looked on aghast. Middle Britain collectively grumbled reasonably at its television. Even the ever-poised Clare Balding seemed shaken. (Sadly, said security staff were not around earlier to prevent the fatal poisoning of one of the competitors, prize-winning red setter Thendara Satisfaction).
It all made for great Sunday night television, obviously. And it reminded me of the time I looked after a pedigree dog for a week. Jinky the Chow Chow was one of the most beautiful canines I've ever seen, his huge golden mane turning heads wherever we went. And, being a cross between a cuddly lion and a teddy bear, he scored highly on the cute index too.
But looks aren't everything, as we all know, and I'm sure his owner won't mind me saying that he wasn't the brightest of beasts. In fact, he was the thickest dog I've ever met. My friend had warned me that he wasn't very good at following commands. Even "sit" was usually too much for Jinky's tiny mind to process. Playing with a ball was no fun, as Jinky couldn't work out the obvious logic that he was meant to get excited, chase the spherical thing and bring it back to the homey with a wag of that beautiful tale. I finally realised just how glaikit Jinky was when he kept banging his head trying to walk through closed glass doors.
At first I was a bit frustrated - this mutt clearly wasn't going to alert the authorities if I had an accident - but a quick Google search put a different spin on things. Chow Chows were apparently originally bred for their meat, you see, and I suppose food doesn't need to be brainy - in fact it's probably better that it isn't. In a study of dog intelligence, Chow Chows ranked 76th out of 79 breeds. Apparently only Bulldogs, Afghan Hounds and Basenjis are thicker. Jinky and I avoided glass doors from then on and got along just fine.
Why are you making commenting on The Herald only available to subscribers?
It should have been a safe space for informed debate, somewhere for readers to discuss issues around the biggest stories of the day, but all too often the below the line comments on most websites have become bogged down by off-topic discussions and abuse.
heraldscotland.com is tackling this problem by allowing only subscribers to comment.
We are doing this to improve the experience for our loyal readers and we believe it will reduce the ability of trolls and troublemakers, who occasionally find their way onto our site, to abuse our journalists and readers. We also hope it will help the comments section fulfil its promise as a part of Scotland's conversation with itself.
We are lucky at The Herald. We are read by an informed, educated readership who can add their knowledge and insights to our stories.
That is invaluable.
We are making the subscriber-only change to support our valued readers, who tell us they don't want the site cluttered up with irrelevant comments, untruths and abuse.
In the past, the journalist’s job was to collect and distribute information to the audience. Technology means that readers can shape a discussion. We look forward to hearing from you on heraldscotland.com
Comments & Moderation
Readers’ comments: You are personally liable for the content of any comments you upload to this website, so please act responsibly. We do not pre-moderate or monitor readers’ comments appearing on our websites, but we do post-moderate in response to complaints we receive or otherwise when a potential problem comes to our attention. You can make a complaint by using the ‘report this post’ link . We may then apply our discretion under the user terms to amend or delete comments.
Post moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours.
Read the rules hereComments are closed on this article