CALVIN Harris's pants are problematic.
I find several colleagues, editors no less, ogling at Mr Harris's new campaign designed to improve sales of the undergarments peddled by one Mr Giorgio Armani.
Were these gentlemen colleagues ogling, say, Kim Kardashian's bum, I would waggle an indignant finger at them and cry "sexist! objectification!" They would utterly ignore me, but I would have fulfilled my moral duty.
One might wonder, as many in the press have following the release of Mr Harris's underdressed and overoiled photoshoot - why a man named the highest-earning DJ in the world - last year estimated to have earned £40 million in the year to June 1 - might like to take off his trousers and pose in his scanties. This line of questioning shows a lack of imagination.
Imagine you had a six-pack as taut as a drumhead and guns like boulders. You'd whip your keks off in seconds, I guarantee it, even if you were busy with a three-year contract at the gigantic Hakkasan nightclub in Las Vegas.
Following criticism of the images (that he's only fit thanks to his wealth), Mr Harris states, via Twitter, that his physique is not one honed by money but, rather, one honed by six days a week hard labour in the gymnasium. Mr Harris, thanks to the distance afforded by multiple millions, forgets that gyms are darned expensive places and few have the luxury of time to expend six days a week there.
Mr Harris, real name Adam Wiles, models the spring/summer range. Again, the notion of seasonal pants shows rather a disconnect between man and the masses.
At least it has given answers to the eternal question of "what's the male version of 'pours her curves'"? You know the one. When a woman leaves the house in clothes and the tabloids say she's flaunting/pouring/showcasing her curves. "Stands tall," is the answer. Ladies flaunt their curves and gentlemen stand tall. Good to know.
Mr Armani said of Calvin, "He isn't a model by nature, and this creates a more sincere and engaging bond with the public."
Hmm. This reminds me of Gandy-pantgate. M&S engaged the talents of male model David Gandy, as close to the physique of your stereotypical M&S men's pants buyer as I am to Miranda Kerr (not very close, that is, but thank you for your kind protestations).
Ogling Calvin Harris's nether section is as morally digestible as a poisonous pufferfish fish supper but I can't seem to get too upset about it.
Having failed to make the editors blush and wipe their drool from their shameless ogling of Harris, maybe I might just join them.
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