Killing with confidence

THE bloodthirsty Diary is plotting how to murder houseflies.

So far we’ve discovered that walloping them with an old edition of The Herald provides excellent results… unless you happen to be the housefly.

Bashing them with an iPad also gets the job done, though you’ll probably have to replace your iPad once you’ve finished with the fly.

Hiring a trained assassin allows you to avoid getting blood on your hands. But it’s pricey, and the transfer of funds into the assassin’s bank account means you leave a paper trail, which can be followed by the fly’s grieving widow, when she comes after you, seeking revenge.

Oliver Hardinge from Edinburgh describes a simpler method.

“A fly was annoying me in the house,” he says. “The only thing nearby was a can of Febreze Relaxing Lavender, meant to eliminate household odours, not pesky wee bugs.

“However, I can proudly report that skooshing half the can did the job, and Relaxing Lavender turned out to be not especially relaxing for the fly.”

 

Amusing Miltonic musings  

WE recently published a photograph of a haggis built out of Lego bricks.

Our more culinary-inclined correspondents have suggested that a haggis made from Lego bricks would taste slightly better than the genuine article, though we refuse to countenance such sacrilegious talk.

Haggis is delicious, especially when an entire bottle of tomato ketchup is upended over it, then a bag of chips is added for garnish.

(Actually, forget the haggis. The ketchup and chips will do just fine.)

Lego haggis also reminds Hugh Steele from Cumbernauld of comedian Milton Jones, who once bought a packet of crisps, assuming it was an Airfix Potato Construction Kit…

 

Absurd word

WE pointed out that the phrase "self-explanatory" is self-explanatory.

“Which makes me wonder,” says Brian Collie, “why there’s no abbreviation for abbreviation.”

 

Brought to book

ARGUMENTATIVE Joe Garfield admits quibbling over the price of Ulysses with a bookshop salesperson, who was having none of it, and said: "You pays your money, you takes your Joyce."

 

Listless love

THE Beatles and Rolling Stones are doing well, with new albums charting.

Reader Linda Harvey wonders if Glasgow’s own Lulu should pounce on this nostalgic moment by reuniting with her old band, Lulu and the Luvvers.

“Though the luvvers must be pretty old,” concedes Linda, “and probably no longer have the energy for amour. Maybe the new version should be named Lulu and the Loafers.”

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Warped word

ANGRY reader Jenny Williams says: “The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.”